The Ex-Boyfriend's Handbook by Matt Dunn

Author:Matt Dunn [Dunn, Matt]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Fiction, General
ISBN: 9781847396594
Google: j8MEfQX_vokC
Amazon: B007FROHV4
Publisher: Simon and Schuster
Published: 2008-11-16T16:00:00+00:00

Monday 14th February

7.27 p.m.

It’s Valentine’s night, and I’m waiting for Dan in the Admiral Jim. That’s not as sad as it sounds for either of us; my ‘girlfriend’ if you can still call her that, is several thousand miles away, and Dan never ever has a date on Valentine’s evening, thinking it too much of a commitment thing.

I haven’t received a card from Jane this morning, but I’ve just put that down to the fact that she probably wasn’t able to find a post box, or even a card shop, come to think of it. Besides, I haven’t sent her one either, although that’s mainly because I don’t know where exactly she is.

Dan’s almost half an hour late, and I’m just about to call him on my new mobile, courtesy of ‘Fone Home’ (which I can’t say unless it’s in E.T.’s voice) in the high street, when he appears, grinning sheepishly. ‘Sorry, mate. Had a job getting out of my front door.’

I don’t take the bait. ‘What are you talking about?’

‘You know. With all the Valentine’s cards blocking it.’

I sigh. ‘Have you purposefully been hanging around outside for half an hour in the cold just so you can make that pathetic joke?’

Dan’s face falls. ‘Well, not quite half an hour.’

The Jim is having some kind of Valentine’s theme night, with heart-shaped balloons flying above the tables, and the bar staff all dressed in pink. Not surprisingly it’s pretty quiet, although I’m sure the same can’t be said for thousands of tables-for-two at Brighton’s various restaurants this evening.

As Dan pulls up a stool, Wendy appears behind the bar. She’s wearing a pair of red heart-shaped, battery-operated, deeley-boppers, which flash on and off alternately. They’re somewhat out of tune with her miserable expression.

‘Evening you two lovebirds,’ she says. ‘What’ll it be?’

‘My usual,’ says Dan, ‘and another half for Edward.’

‘What do you mean “another half”? I haven’t had a beer.’

‘Sorry mate. I meant to say “an other half”.’

‘Very funny.’

Wendy shakes her head. ‘So what have you two got planned tonight? Something romantic?’

Dan stick his tongue out at her. ‘It’s my only night off in the year. I want to do something fun. Any suggestions, Eddy boy?’

‘Dan, it’s bloody Valentine’s night. We can either go and sit in a restaurant surrounded by loved-up couples trying to inject some romance into their meaningless relationships, go home and watch the umpteenth rerun of When Harry Met Sally or some other romantic rubbish, or sit here. Which would you prefer?’

‘Good point.’ Dan turns his attention back to Wendy, who’s flashing away opposite us. ‘So, no date tonight?’

‘Only with a large glass of wine when I get home.’

‘What’s your boyfriend doing this evening?’ asks Dan.

Wendy reddens slightly. ‘I don’t have a boyfriend.’

‘Why not?’ I’ve asked this in the spirit of sympathy, and then suddenly realize that it’s not the cleverest of questions. Particularly on Valentine s Day.

Wendy pulls up a stool. ‘Well, number one, I work in a pub, so even though I meet a lot of men, they’re usually drunk when they ask me out.

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